On Monday, Dec. 14, our dear old girl Bee headed out for her evening walk with John, feeling happy & good, her daughter, son and granddaughter dashing through the snow with her. Just a few minutes later, she collapsed, and died in the car on the way to vet just a couple of miles from the farm.

From the moment I last saw her to her death: maybe 20 minutes from when she dashed out the door, eager eyed and tail wagging.

We are stunned by this unexpected, unforeseen loss of a wonderful dog. For Bee, it was quick, appeared painless (no struggle) and she went down in the midst of doing what she loved, and with John, the person she loved most. And she died with his arms wrapped around her.

Not much else one can ask for in a death, I suppose. If it were an option available to me, I'd sign up on the spot to go fast, unexpectedly, doing what I loved, with the ones I loved most. I would have to leave a note, however, saying, "Sorry... had to go... thanks for everything."

For us, left behind, disbelieving, shocked, much harder. Bee was young - would have been 12 in March.? She was the first dog born here at the farm, and since her mother Otter's passing in July at the grand age of 15+, Bee had been the matriarch and oldest dog.? She has long run the household with a firm, fair paw, both tolerant and clear.? The house is so empty without Bee's big spirit.? She leaves a huge hole in her passing, but also so many memories, so much goodness, and her pups, grandpups and great-grandpups now scattered in five countries, each of them enriching the lives of the people who love them.??

The vet called after doing the autopsy. It was a hemangiosarcoma of the heart, the cancer blowing a sudden hole in her heart, leading to arrest without struggle or even time to be afraid.? It is a cancer that gives no advance warning.? And it is a cancer that affects many German Shepherds, Goldens and other breeds.? Known as the silent killer, it cannot be tracked in advanced or monitored effectively.??

We have lost several now to hemangio - Vali, Panda, Grizzly, Mac, Bee, and others that we bred, and still others loved by our friends & clients.? It is a dreaded and brutal disease that hides undetected, and can appear anywhere in the body. It affects so many dogs (about 5% of all dogs with cancer) that chances are good if you're reading this, you have lost a dog to hemangio or know someone who has.

Hemangiosarcoma Research needs support:? you can help! At www.wearethecure.org , donations can be made at Panda's page.? This was set up by Wendy Herkert after she lost the splendid Hawks Hunt's Artful Dodger, a once in a lifetime dog.? Panda was Bee's brother, and like his brother Grizzly and his sister Maggie, died of hemangiosarcoma despite best efforts by everyone involved in his care.? Click here to join in supporting research. ?

The thought passed through my mind as I returned to my work -- was Chilkat actually there with Bee? was she going to die soon and he had come to guide her over?? I shook the thought out of my head.? And 5 minutes later, John called from his cell phone telling me she had collapsed and to bring the car.

Bee had always been close to her brother Chilkat, and he helped raise her.? If indeed what I saw was that very kind & gentle dog coming to guide her, it comforts me to know that both on this side and on the other, she was surrounded by love, and not alone. I suspect in these moments that I'm meant to understand that the same is true for us all, always.

Every Christmas is a bittersweet time for us, as we rejoice in the fullness of the year, delight in the new friends who have joined our lives, and yet, reflect sadly upon those who are not here in physical form for this celebration.? But always, there is a sense of immense gratitude for the gifts we are given in the too brief lives of those we love.? Mostly unseen, in a shimmering curtain of feeling that wraps around us, are the spirits of those who have gone ahead where I cannot yet follow.? The gifts that never stop giving...